Newly Nuanced Nonsense

 

My dearest Sunshine!

Oh, how I have missed your warm embrace. Today’s letter is going to be a bit longer than usual, you have been warned. I hope you are doing well my sunflower, do hydrate in this weather. I apologize for writing so late. I promise I wanted to get to you as soon as possible, but recently I had the privilege of going on vacation, and might I say, though it was well deserved for my family, I somehow couldn’t peel myself away from my phone the entire trip. Trust me I did try, but the comfort the bright screen was more welcoming than the vacation itself. I sound like a spoiled child I know, but getting used to new things does take some time, right? At least for me it does.

          The past few weeks have been a mix of emotions that I have never felt or experienced. I have spent a significant amount of time in my life, carefully curating an image of a court jester. I managed to spend years, focusing on hiding how big I am, and spent more time on using my loud voice to crack jokes. I always figured I would best be suited for the role of the DUFF (do refer to movie for more knowledge) and I have come to terms with the fact that I am a Duff. Life threw me a curve ball. Not just any curve ball, a curve ball that hit me with so much force that whatever I had built for 23 years, just came crumbling down. I do not mean that in a good way Sunshine, for someone who has always been the funny one with no character arc whatsoever, it felt oddly surreal to be forced into the limelight. It felt like being under a microscope, where everything you have ever done is under scrutiny, every scar, ever scab, every wound, every mark, every single thing that you hate and love about yourself becomes material. Material for jokes, material for therapy, material for entertainment and material for lust.

          Some of you may relate or may not relate, but personally, it takes a lot to feel vulnerable. To bare yourself with no filters, no masks nothing to someone. Have you done it? I never have. I still cannot do it even if I was pushed, inevitably I end up pushing people away. It’s not commitment or the fear of being alone. No. It’s being scared but it’s the hard truth that I will have to make peace with my own reality. A reality that is so painful it is better to live in denial.

          I do not think people get it. Picture an animal at the zoo, all its life it has known only the colours of the fence, the chimes of the alarm, the taste of the same food. It never knows the smell of freedom. Once left free, it ends up back in its cage, alone unable to relate to the world around it. How do you take care of an animal like that? Do you option A, gain its trust and love it back to health or option B, coerce it and force it into reality. Pushing it to take big leaps into a chasm? That pretty much sums up how I have been feeling.

          Where will this end? This letter, I hope it finds you Sunshine, and I hope you understand my predicament. Though I love you so much, I am also petrified of the heat that radiates off you. There are other small things I am celebrating this week; I successfully completed a year at my job. I managed to stay consistent and keep up with going to the gym for a month, I also finally got to writing to you. Another question I do have for you my Sunshine, do feel free to reach out to me and tell me. What do you do, when you are at rock bottom? Do you climb back up or do you let go?  Also do try the new waffle chips, it basically crushed up ice cream cones, if you get a bunch of ice creams you can end up making an ice cream/nacho situation.

14-05-24....

A small update I would love to make to this letter my dearest and loveliest Sunshine. Life will throw you curveballs, knock you off your feet, you will feel hazy and end up making friends with the floor. Don't you worry though, you will learn to pick yourself up. limb by limb, crumb by crumb and piece by piece. The one really beautiful thing about rock bottom, is clawing your way to the top. Take your reality with a pinch of salt, add it to the rim of your tequila glass and chug life down with the same gusto that was born with you. Lemons, limes, people, all of it. Be your own cheerleader, trust in you, in the capabilities of you. Love you. No body will love you the way you do. 

-         Love

Jess.