You live once, die a little, live a little.

 Alright, it's been 4 months. I know I promise consistency, I did not say I would commit to it though. A lot has happened so let's get to it? A new job came this July, it was unexpected but I did take the chance to expand my horizons and what not. and it's safe to say I am happy with where I am. I have a lot to talk about, a lot on my mind in the sense that I  have forgotten how to process things, I have grown so numb now all that i can choke out is laughter for all the situations I find myself in. 

First things first, WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE GETTING MARRIED??? like is there some sort of pact going around to marry as quick as possible? Am I the only one who finds this odd? Like I am touchwood completely happy with myself… like i am content, satisfied even to my hearts content. The thought of sharing my space, a space that I have struggled to give myself, the place that I have felt so cautious to take up, I finally have it and I LOVE IT! Big props to the people who share this space, because it could never be me. Being happy looks different for different people, and my happiness right now, black coffee, monster ultra, home cooked food and naps. 

Secondly, the complete take over of apathy. I am apathetic. to life, to people, everything. Apathy is such a common factor I find with a lot of people my age, just apathy. I do not have the bandwidth to process how I feel/should feel or react to certain situations. When you are thrust with the responsibility to hold face and be strong, you easily lose the plot. Now I kinda get why men are so apathetic to a lot of things. You were never given the space to feel, and that sucks. But a good long talk with a friend who gets your dark and twisty is real medicine. Has being apathetic changed me? Yes. I no longer feel as deeply as I used to, I sleep worse, and the voices in my head maniacally laugh at every thought that bounces off the walls. 

I have come to appreciate family, the closeness of it, the dysfunctional nature that makes sense. I get it. I would do anything for it. As I spent the first month at my new job completely glued to my phone, never looking up to make eye contact, I truly tasted loneliness in a way that would change me. It was a sort of loneliness that did not hurt, but it felt empty. In a good way, I was not rushing to fill that space. I took my time to resist every urge that would give me a short term boost of serotonin, and I have made peace with the gap. A gap that I may eventually fill with a person or a suitable relationship. 

I used to complain a lot about being single, being alone. But truly being alone forces you to confront yourself. To make peace with your flaws and push you on a path to betterment. Though my healing process does not involve a lot of sunshine, running, meeting friends just living life one reel at a time. Healing for me looks a lot like cooking for family, sleeping with three pillows instead of two, annoying my mother in the kitchen, finally being able to finish reading a book without being distracted, looking forward to work, and popping open a chilled can of diet coke. Humans are constantly evolving, though it may be for better or for worse, the act of forcing yourself to try something new, change, transform is all a part of change. Sometimes all you need honestly is a good salad, fries, diet coke and dancing around your room singing Pocketful of Sunshine. Though these past months may not have completely changed me, I have changed in ways that have made me mature. I can finally be alone without seeking external validation. I do things that make me happy, that give me satisfaction and pleasure. Does that make me selfish? perhaps. But I am enjoying being a bit selfish. 

So how do I finish this? Don’t be apathetic, have boundaries. Feel empathy for things that need empathy, not everything/everyone deserves it. But loving despite it, makes you special. Accept flaws, mistakes, quirks, all of it. Live life to the fullest in your own capacity. Do not measure yourself with the capacity of others. Look in the mirror, that is the only person you have to impress. Everything works in your favor when you put your mind to it. Exist in harmony, get angry for things you believe in and make sure you tell the people who matter to you that you love them. Make changes, make mistakes, trip, fall, laugh it off, move on. Life is so much more than your faults. Find the cracks and crevices, fill it up with food, music, good energy and great vibes. 

Till we meet again Sunshine, 

- XOXO

Jess.