Instant gratification isn't always interesting.

 

My dearest Sunshine

Apologies are in order I have kept you waiting. I have finally found the time to give you my undivided attention. The past week was a whirlwind of emotions, from seeing my thoughts and ideas go from paper and blurred screens to a real-life event has been a surreal experience. 2021 I sat the audience hoping to get on stage and do what others were doing, 2024, here I am doing it. Nothing feels better and more satisfying than this. Well, there are other satisfying things but this is clearly on my top 10.

            This week has taught me how to not rely on ‘instant gratification’ it is so hard to stay still, sit and wait on what you have thought of. It is infinitely easier to jump into something that makes you happy at the earliest. Sometimes the drains in my house get blocked, from the rats that have decided to make their sand dunes there, and the sink decides to back up, filling up rapidly with water and gunk, for the time being my mum and I take turns jabbing a metal rod down the drain hoping the water recedes and eventually it does a week later the drains eventually clog up and need a plumber to fix it. Moral of the story, make sure there are no rats in your drains.

            Jokes aside, don’t pick at scars, don’t poke at snails and don’t run into traffic just because you thought a shadow was following you. Sounds random I know, but chasing after the smoke from a vape is not the same as holding a cloud in your hand. Yet most of us end up settling for vape smoke. Pitiful the plight of people now, scared, afraid, cannot hold a conversation, will jump at the first sight of something that scares them. Then how will you conquer? To build a boundary is essential I agree, not if the boundary becomes a noose that pushes you to more fear. I understand the fear of jumping into new things, it’s a drowning sensation. You either die at the bottom of the pool or you fight against the burn in your throat and make it to the surface to enjoy the waves.  I love the comfort of familiarity. Old clothes, worn blankets, dirty jeans, patched up letters, blurry pictures, I love all of it I also am very scared the minute something changes. The ‘what’s?’ and the ‘ifs’ are always a nagging thought.

Do you ever think, ‘What If’?  What if you had taken that leap of faith? What if you had finally let go? What if you hadn’t moved on? What if things changed for the better? What if they didn’t change at all??

In hindsight I have no idea where todays letter is going, but deep down all I need is for someone to take a leap of faith with me. The fear of not having a safety net is terrifying, but risking it all for the outcome I feel is most definitely worth it.

I do miss you Sunshine, the chilly weather at night and the clouds during the day I can’t help but feel a bit more detached and alone. The silence has become a good friend. So has my phone, at this rate I will superglue my phone to my palm just to run out of uncomfortable situations. I also have started to obsessively watch Disney movies because I am an adult and Disney is essential for growth. Do feel free to send me some music, I have been listening to the same songs on repeat.

I do hope you are not overworking yourself into oblivion these days, take time to watch an occasional sunset, might do you good. Praying for healing, in all aspects and sending love from afar.

 

Yours Truly

Jess