Exhaustion, excitement, endings.

 

Hey Sunshine

How are you? Was this week kind to you? Did you get to dress up for Halloween? I hope you had fun this week! I really miss you Sunshine, especially with Chennai’s changing weather and the rains that oh so frequent a cool weather. I do feel a pang of missing my warm and glowy Sunshine.

This week was filled with a few wins and a lot of losses. I had a much-needed intervention with a friend about consistent choices that have rendered me exhausted. Though I thoroughly agree that these are the consequences of my own actions, I am still allowed to complain right?

Have you heard the term ‘I love the chase’ well subconsciously I embody that. I just adore the chase, and I live for the high. Every time I consistently set myself up for failure, then I hopelessly complain about how much life drains me. But the dating game isn’t something I’m particularly good at.

(Readers who are my family, I exercise extreme caution here while I type this out, I am my father’s daughter. I don’t date)

Back to my little vent of pent-up emotions, I have realized I always chase the wrong things at the wrong time. The whole concept of ‘manifesting’ or ‘waiting for it to happen’ or ‘the universe will do it’ is foreign to me. How can you just sit there and wait instead of doing something? Anything?? But that is life, isn’t it? It makes you wait, starves you, shows you the progress of other, drives you insane. Let’s the voices in your head consume your every waking moment, tricking you into thinking that there is no life beyond your rejection and failures.

There is hope. Though now it is but a glimmer a very faded glimmer, it still exists. At least I think it does. Hope that I have decided to hold out for myself. As life has taught me, sometimes just sometimes you will be the only person who picks you up. When you are young, you fall, your parents or someone you know rushes to help, even strangers. When you get older, you slowly start learning that kicking the ground that you fall on and crying aimlessly isn’t going to drive people towards you. You pick yourself up, crawl back to your knees, look around to see if anybody noticed you fall and then you consciously move one.

The point in time where you become so conscious of failure and falling, is that were we lose it all? Is that when we start being defined by weakness and not our strengths? At times I wonder, what is so wrong with loosing that is a part of life no? You win some, you lose some. But constant loses does end up benefitting the cards that are not held in your favor. Of late I have just been at a loss. Relationships, motives, friends, words all of it, and I finally understand the burden of exhaustion. That feeling of being overcome with fatigue so intense you just want to give up.

As all rain cloudy as today’s letter to you is, I hope you understand that I loose so much, yet I choose to love. Despite the rejection, the harsh words, the mindless accusations, the demanding for respect, the forcing me to conform. I still love. Why? I don’t have a goddamned clue. I am changing my ways, slowly but surely, I will get there. At least I have stopped setting myself up for failure.

 Well Sunshine, this week was pretty rough, but you made parts of it so much better with your kind words, your silence and your warmth. I still wish I could come over and hug you, but how can you hug a sun beam right? I’m holding out my little cracked heart to you, nothing you have to do perhaps hold on to it for a bit while I collect myself? Till then, I hope you get sleep, hydrate, and take care of your health. My lilies are still waiting for you and so am I.

Yours tiredly

XOXO

Jess.