Dauntless, Deception and Discovery

 

Hey my Sunshine!

Its Jess, again, your loyal admirer. I hope the past days have been kind to you and I hope you had the chance to enjoy the small moments. Have I ever told you how much I love your smile? It truly brightens your face, and your eyes are filled with joy.

The past week has been me basking in the concert the voices in my head decided to throw over the pettiest things. Yet I figure overthinking does usher in a certain level of logical reasoning. I have always stuck out like a sore thumb from a young age, when you are an only child, you hop onto every bandwagon hoping it leads you to the destination you are seeking. So, I dove deep, into the worlds of football, basketball, hip hop, movies, pop, K-pop (don’t ask) and a plethora of series. Still, I don’t think I have found a singular interest I can keep other than my consistent love for murder mysteries and reading.

Have you ever felt like an outsider in your own body? Trying to figure out who or what you are? That is how I feel. Sometimes I look into the mirror and I honestly do not recognize myself. Perhaps that is good. Being so unrecognizable that you end up picking at every bit of yourself trying to find some sort of familiarity? Sometimes I want to run away, lay awake in my dreams, and dead to my reality impossible I know, but a girl can certainly hope. I promise my rant has its own pot of gold at the end, but the heavy burden of all consuming dread and fatigue is itching at my palms and feet. I do have days where I’m utterly smitten by myself and my ingenuity and I start to heal a part of me that was once hurt. But trying to stitch your own wounds at times creates a bigger rift. I am grateful for the smaller things. A good friend who always makes time for me over ice cream and pani puri, an adorable puppy who I see on my way to work, a co-worker who is now as close as family who always makes me laugh, and most of all I am grateful for myself. For pulling through. Not sure what I pulled through but I did!

I do ask a lot of questions, don’t I? I apologize. But talking to you has been the most refreshing drink of lemonade for this parched soul. I do enjoy the daring task of maneuvering through friendships, failed relationships and the bitter taste of lost hope. I miss being myself. I’m aware I am missing myself to only find myself with the dawn. I have also learnt that I cannot wish upon stars anymore. I hope it’s a comet that will make my dreams a reality, that is my greatest fallacy. All my stars are just airplanes, twinkling and deceiving me into a sense of belief that I too could hope that I am deserving of a bookish romance. Yet the cards I get dealt with are always the joker.

Being humorous and witty is what I aspire to. An unhealthy dose of self-depreciative humor and memes later, I have emerged as a chonky moth from my self-reserved cocoon. But I do enjoy picking up on the small things you like. Your taste in music, food, sports the list goes on. I admire the way you are Sunshine, daunting, devilish and dare I say ‘hot daaaaaaaaaamnn’! 

I grow flowers to give them to you one day. I hope you like lilies. I wish I could hug you, my Sunshine. Till I do, I send you the best of health, hydration and love your way.

 

XOXO

Jess.