Zesty goodbyes.




 My dearest Sunshine 

What a year it has been. I honestly do not know where to start, a rollercoaster of emotions, lessons, lovely memories and growth. I am just going to make a list of things I am grateful for and have learnt along the way. 

  1. Trust yourself. Blindly believe that you can do it. Being realistic is essential but not all the time, blind delusion, faith and hope. Trust you, your mind, your body and your willpower. Most of all trust God, or which ever higher power you ascribe to. 

  2. Learn to let go. It is easier said than done but sometimes it is needed. Let go; the good, the bad, the hate & hurt. Evolve. Change is the only constant in life, let go, move on and evolve. 

  3. Do it. Do something, anything, fight and push through. Life is too short to give up on yourself so soon. Hurt happens, joy is temporary, heck life is temporary. Live it a day at a time. 

  4. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. That is something I have decided to live by. We are born into this world in pain, we carry it with us in our bones. No one leads a pain free life. Do not waste your time suffering from it as well. 

  5. Make mistakes, learn from them. Our system has set us up to fail and somehow making mistakes is seen as such a punishable offence. Make the damn mistakes, fail, give up, fall down, hit rock fucking bottom and then feel that pain. Remember it. Start your climb. You will never learn unless you fail 

  6. I may sound all glass half full, but I have made some pretty rash decisions this year from quitting my job to starting 101 projects I have not finished yet. I can at least say I tried. 

  7. Be human. It's a tough thing to do these days. Practice humanity. It is an unkind world. People kill people for fun. Rape, murder, addiction, anger all of it is so normal. The hatred people feel against different genders, animals, all of it. It is a hard world. Be humane. 

Though I did say all of this, I am currently stuck. Stuck in a place like a dust collecting inanimate object. It feels like everyone I know has moved on to better places. relationships, jobs. But I am stuck. The same people. arguments, life. I cannot help but feel the resentment build in my throat and I cough out a joke and smile about it while I simultaneously try to live up to the unattainable expectations my family has set upon me. As a single child, most of the time I feel pretty alone. Like it's normal, but the loneliness I feel is something not a lot of people get. I was forced to be my own company from a young age, and now when I see people celebrating and enjoying life I cannot help but wonder HOW DOES THAT FEEL? 

So there are days where I resent everyone and everything. I feel jealous, angry and left out. I have cocooned myself so much that I do not know how to get it. Though my parents claim the magic carrot called Marriage will be my great escape. But what if it is another never ending cycle, where I am stuck all over again. The carousel never stops turning. 

Yet, all is not in vain. Being stuck has its perks. You notice things slip through the cracks, kinks in the armour and most of all you learn secrets. Secrets that are now whispered in your ear just because you are stuck. You learn a lot in wait. So maybe I will chew my words when I say I am stuck, I ought to be saying I know stuff. I know stuff I shouldn’t and stuff that should be public knowledge. But being stuck is good. 

Besides that, this year has been fun. I am very grateful for the ones who stayed, even more so for the ones who left. Maturing is crazy work, and I am typing this out like I would a text but I am in one of my many moods at the moment and this is how its going to sound. Till I see you next year, a lots of wisdom, grass and energy. 


XOXO

Jess 

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